Prisoner

This morning I went to listen to a reading of the Chaitanya Bhagavat, which consists of pastimes of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, written by Srila Vrndavan Das Thakur. Nyskinchan Maharaj, who is oneo f the leaders of the Kolkatta temple was reading in Bengali and then translating. He was talking about how we are prisoners. We are prisoners of the five Indriyas, (the five senses) the five karma Indriyas, (the working senses: legs, voice, arms, anus, genitals) and the mind. Then there is the false ego, which can be compared to a knot of matter and spirit, or a “black-box” for the body; a collection of all past experiences and impressions and therefore, who you identify yourself to be. He was describing these elements and how when we have separate interest were are put in these bodies. We want to enjoy as masters, rather than as servants of the Lord. We want to be superior but we will never be superior to the Lord so we must enjoy a lower type of energy which is this material world. We rule here but only to suffer for that later down the line. If we can enjoy spiritually, for the pleasure of his Divine Grace, if we can learn to find happiness in service, or selfless action, we will find everything we need and it is purifying if offered to a bonafide spiritual master who is connected with the transcendental plane. Otherwise, we are prisoners of our anger, lust, greed, and these things take us towards a lower form of enjoyment and a lower more temporary form of happiness.

Kolkata Vibes

A day in Kolkata consists of morning worship, which is called mangal aroti, the darshan, or associaiton of His Divine Grace, our spiritual reacher and then a reading from one of the scriptures, bhajans, or devotional songs or prayers, and then prasad, blessed food. For me personally, there is also a lot of introspection and moments where I am the observer watching all things unfold and how I react to them.

I have been observing also the way the Bengali devotees behave. Humility seems to be inherent within their nature. It is that feeling of having nothing more than the mercy of the Lord or living according to what is given to you or what comes your way. They are not proud of their false identity because they do not have much but their own body to represent themselves; not their car, or their house, or their money, or their muscles…They live an austere life with a good amount of suffering and hardship.

It makes me think about why it is so dangerous to have position or think that you have one. The minute you do, you take your position for granted, consider yourself above everyone, and begin looking for disciples and acting harshly. Pride blinds one from beauty. Pride is a symptom of: “I think I am the center of the universe” therefore you see yourself only and others are according to your needs and how they can serve you. And then, because it is a gross thing and naturally you become unhappy, you begin finding fault in others and treating others so rude as to make them as unhappy as you are.

I pray to be satisfied with any connection to a higher plane of existence and not for the search of position, name, and fame. It is like that song: “Avatara sara” that we sing in the morning; we are surrounded by an ocean yet we deny ourselves a drink. We take that which is nectar to be poison, and that which is poison to be nectar. Name, fame, pride, and material wealth is like poison because it habituates you to think that you are this false identity which is so temporary.

Arrival

Upon my arrival to Kolkata I saw Gurudev for the first time in a few months. I was happy to see him but not so emotionally happy as usual. I did not feel like crying or smiling really big, just short and sweet, I gave him a few gifts from different devotees, and then asked him, “Should I go to worship?” He said, “Yes” with his happy animated face and raised eyebrows. Right before I left, Ranajit, one of his servants asked me give him the videos I had made of his tour to Veracruz because the ones I made before were lost. I wasn’t surprised because I had so many obstacles making that DVD and each time I gave it to him there was a problem. I also knew that he wanted a complete presentation of his tour to Veracruz and not just one event, which is what I was giving him. So I could see that he was not pleased and wanted this immediately, yet I took forever to give him what he asked for. So many obstacles came while I was trying to make him that one DVD.

I feel like this was maybe a test for me. Gurudev simply wanted the footage, unedited, yet I insisted on having to edit it and take forever on the project. This thought made me question why I wanted to make these films in the first place. Is it for my name and fame, or for the pleasure of Gurudev? If he wants to see something, why do I make him wait? If he is asking for something, why do I delay to give it to him? I am being given the opportunity to serve him and I am delaying. I feel like I should always question my intentions, my reasons for doing what I do, and thus trying to develop a conscious introspective attitude. This is part of the spiritual process.

Anyway, Gurude is everything to me. He is my connection with the transcendental plane, and the inspiration which allows me to go on and to do the things that I do. A verse from the Srimad Bhagavatam says: “The guru is considered as the Supreme Lord Himself, because he gives the light of transcendental knowledge to his disciples. Consequently, for one who maintains the material conception that the guru is an ordinary human being, everything is frustrated. His attempts to progress in spiritual life, his Vedic studies and scriptural knowledge, his penances and austerities, and his worship of the Deity are all as useless as the bathing of an elephant” (1.57). It is also said that Guru is the place where God and the sincere seeker meet, for one cannot meet God directly. Just as one cannot associated with the sun directly. It is also said that by rendering him service and pleasing him, Krishna is pleased and all good fortune is bestowed in the heart of the spiritualist.

Any opportunity to serve him in anyway is a privilege, something that should not be taken for granted and when he directly asks for something, that is even more rare. So here I am, a suffering spirit soul in this blazing material world, how many lifetimes has it been before I finally had some connection with a bonafide spiritual master?

Never mind the past, in this lifetime I have got a connection. I have some qualities and gifts that have been given to me, and how I use them determines where I am, who I am, and where I will go. If I have something, and I use it for my own pleasure, what is its worth? That something that I have will be very limited because I am only using it for my pleasure. If I share that something with someone and even more, if I offer it selflessly to Krishna, Gurudev, and the Vaishnavas, the saints, this gift increases, and becomes refined, fine tuned, tuned finely and eventually can take me out of my misery.

I have this specific task of making films, of exposing Krishna consciousness, Bhakti Yoga, through films and this is one of my ways to make advancement in spiritual life because I am offering it to my Gurudev. And when he asks me for something and I do not do it, or do not give it to him immediately, this is very bad. It must mean that I have some separate interest, I see his desire but it does not match up with mine therefore mine is fulfilled first then his….
This was all going on in my heart and mind at that moment and still is as I struggle to be immediate. Something I have to work on.

My Flight to India

The flight was long. 15 hours from San Francisco to Hong Kong, 6 hours to Bangkok from Hong Kong, and at last, just 3 hours to Kolkata which I received happily knowing that soon I would see my spiritual teacher. We did end up waiting in Thailand for 9 hours but that’s another story because we fell asleep through most of it. Overall it was a long flight and I was hurting especially after sleeping on a chair all crooked with people in the aisles hitting my legs every time they walked by. Then of course there happened to be five crying babies on the plane. So there was some suffering on the trip, so I thought, maybe I should get a massage in Thailand since they are cheap. By the way, the rate is 32 Baht to a dollar.

Stupefied by some sort of illusion, I spent way too much money on a massage that ended up hurting my neck more and made me feel really uncomfortable physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you travel to Bangkok, don't ever get a massage at the airport, it is really lame.

So I was taught a little lesson. If I try to make up for any suffering or discomfort that I have put myself in, I am bound to pay that back. If I am doing a transaction with the bank and I do not pay a bill, I am going to get charged some sort of fee or interest. If however, I try to make a transaction with someone who is affectionately looking out for me, the system is based on mercy, not justice and I will not have to pay such a heavy fee. So my note to self is, Vaidehi, try to make transactions with the plane of mercy, not the plane of justice. I thought "now I deserve to get a massage even though I know I should not be spending my money or my energy thoughtlessly."

I was basing my actions off of the physical plane….Actually, before I left to India I was really meditating on how much I focus on the physical plane. It is all I know. If my physical body is in good shape then I am able to be kind and to be of service to others, but if it is not I am unkind and no longer trying to help. If I am trying to surrender and really be of service to others, if I am indeed trying to become selfless, my attempts have so fat been whimsical. And then I spend most of my time noticing others and finding fault in them. I do not bother to see what it is that I am lacking. During the whole flight I just pondered, how will I change, how will I possibly change? I want to change for the better. Hmmm...modest natural growth. Slowly if I can grasp the meaning of everything that comes my way, I can learn to progress and become more conscious.

Journey: Soon to Begin

So I am about to embark on the journey of my life. Ever since I was twelve years-old I fell in love with Nabadwip. Nabadwip Dham is a holy place in West Bengal, India, due to the appearance of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, who is none other than Krishna Himself, but with a twist. An incarnation of Krishna in the mood of a devotee with love for Krishna. LOVE OF GODHEAD PERSONIFIED.

Because he appeared in this land about 500 years ago to distribute that which he felt deep in his heart: love of Godhead, the whole land of Nabadwip is holy and still radiating with His presence. In fact, if I am not mistaken, I feel that Nabadwip Dham is a manifestation of the heart of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. It is a manifestation of mercy and love, affection, which is the essential current that flows from pure Krishna consciousness. Plus, being in Nabadwip deepens the realization of the soul.

So when I went there at the age of twelve, I felt that my heart would weaken and stop feeling that explosion of happiness that I felt in Nabadwip, if I left Nabadwip. I never wanted to leave. The day came to leave and ever since then I have been dying to go back. I have visited several times, always hoping to be able to live there one day.
This summer I read the journal that I wrote when I was there for the first time and it said: "I love Nabadwip. I hope to move there when I finish high-school and learn Bengali." I thought, "I am twenty now and I still have not done this?" That was it. After some meditation, introspection, and prayer, I wrote my Gurudev a letter and asked him for permission to live there for some time. He gave his permission and with his blessings, I am about to embark on the journey that I have been waiting for. Some internal transformations are brewing about....