Arrival

Upon my arrival to Kolkata I saw Gurudev for the first time in a few months. I was happy to see him but not so emotionally happy as usual. I did not feel like crying or smiling really big, just short and sweet, I gave him a few gifts from different devotees, and then asked him, “Should I go to worship?” He said, “Yes” with his happy animated face and raised eyebrows. Right before I left, Ranajit, one of his servants asked me give him the videos I had made of his tour to Veracruz because the ones I made before were lost. I wasn’t surprised because I had so many obstacles making that DVD and each time I gave it to him there was a problem. I also knew that he wanted a complete presentation of his tour to Veracruz and not just one event, which is what I was giving him. So I could see that he was not pleased and wanted this immediately, yet I took forever to give him what he asked for. So many obstacles came while I was trying to make him that one DVD.

I feel like this was maybe a test for me. Gurudev simply wanted the footage, unedited, yet I insisted on having to edit it and take forever on the project. This thought made me question why I wanted to make these films in the first place. Is it for my name and fame, or for the pleasure of Gurudev? If he wants to see something, why do I make him wait? If he is asking for something, why do I delay to give it to him? I am being given the opportunity to serve him and I am delaying. I feel like I should always question my intentions, my reasons for doing what I do, and thus trying to develop a conscious introspective attitude. This is part of the spiritual process.

Anyway, Gurude is everything to me. He is my connection with the transcendental plane, and the inspiration which allows me to go on and to do the things that I do. A verse from the Srimad Bhagavatam says: “The guru is considered as the Supreme Lord Himself, because he gives the light of transcendental knowledge to his disciples. Consequently, for one who maintains the material conception that the guru is an ordinary human being, everything is frustrated. His attempts to progress in spiritual life, his Vedic studies and scriptural knowledge, his penances and austerities, and his worship of the Deity are all as useless as the bathing of an elephant” (1.57). It is also said that Guru is the place where God and the sincere seeker meet, for one cannot meet God directly. Just as one cannot associated with the sun directly. It is also said that by rendering him service and pleasing him, Krishna is pleased and all good fortune is bestowed in the heart of the spiritualist.

Any opportunity to serve him in anyway is a privilege, something that should not be taken for granted and when he directly asks for something, that is even more rare. So here I am, a suffering spirit soul in this blazing material world, how many lifetimes has it been before I finally had some connection with a bonafide spiritual master?

Never mind the past, in this lifetime I have got a connection. I have some qualities and gifts that have been given to me, and how I use them determines where I am, who I am, and where I will go. If I have something, and I use it for my own pleasure, what is its worth? That something that I have will be very limited because I am only using it for my pleasure. If I share that something with someone and even more, if I offer it selflessly to Krishna, Gurudev, and the Vaishnavas, the saints, this gift increases, and becomes refined, fine tuned, tuned finely and eventually can take me out of my misery.

I have this specific task of making films, of exposing Krishna consciousness, Bhakti Yoga, through films and this is one of my ways to make advancement in spiritual life because I am offering it to my Gurudev. And when he asks me for something and I do not do it, or do not give it to him immediately, this is very bad. It must mean that I have some separate interest, I see his desire but it does not match up with mine therefore mine is fulfilled first then his….
This was all going on in my heart and mind at that moment and still is as I struggle to be immediate. Something I have to work on.